"I'm sorry"

As a lady who was raised in the south, I was taught from an early age to say "I'm sorry".

If I accidentally bumped into someone I was told to  "Say, you're  Sorry".
If I was mean to someone, I was told to call them and "tell them you're sorry".

Apologies are a great way to "Cover ourselves",  a nice band aid to fix a problem that we have gotten ourselves into.
Saying "I'm sorry" can also be the only way we can think of to help someone we care about get through a tough time. Sometimes, it's really the only thing you can say.
And saying "I'm sorry" is a wonderful way to show our vulnerable side and mend broken relationships. There's something  humbling about saying "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I'm sorry I said that". To me, relationships grow stronger after you apologize.

But the lines blur between saying "sorry" for what you've done and being"sorry" for who you are. That's where I have trouble.

 It's true.... I say "I'm sorry" a lot. A whole lot.

My friends are always telling me "Stop saying you're sorry. You didn't do anything". When I am talking with someone and I tend to ramble off as I normally do, I often think afterwards 'oh, you'd better apologize, you may have said something wrong'.  I apologize so often...I sometimes think they should put on my tombstone: "Here lies Lee Ann, she was sorry".

 So what gives? Why am I constantly apologizing, fearing that I have done something wrong?  The absolute truth is...I don't really know. Sorry.


This has been a great week for me to do some self-searching about sorrows.
After walking 10 miles on Saturday, I've barely done anything else the rest of the week except for cleaning my house, a Zumba class and working...and yet, as I type this, I'm almost wanting to apologize for not doing more.


   But, I am getting better.

Our Life Coach/Trainer Chris has often told me to "stop apologizing" to which I would apologize all over again. He's been very helpful at getting us all to see ourselves as having  great potential to do amazing things. You can learn more about his business at www.strongwithin.com .  I can't speak for the others but I can say that the idea that I can do amazing things is kind of hard for me to fathom. But it's true...each of us do have the potential to do amazing things we just have to believe we can do it.

 Coach Missy has certainly helped me see my potential. I don't know of anyone who is more positive than her. She doesn't let any set back keep her from enjoying life to the fullest. We all should have that kind of attitude.

Each of my team mates on the Covenant Health Biggest Winner team has kept me positive. When I have a bad day, they're among the first ones I text or email. We lift each other up and in turn, we keep each other going. In fact, except for the few times I've walked into one of them on our walks, I don't think I have ever apologized to any of them. Have I talked enough about how much I value each and every one on this team?




A few weeks ago a good and loyal friend pointed out some things to me that I tend to do now that I never did before (we go way back). She pointed out that the friend she once knew didn't really care what people thought and didn't worry about things because she believed in herself. It was like a light switch that was flipped on in my head. There was a time when I didn't doubt any of my talents/skills. I understood my limitations as just a part of life and not a set back in life. I had beaten myself up for so long that I had forgotten that I once believed that I could do anything and God help anyone who tried to stop me. Reminding me of how I used to believe in myself was just what I needed once again.

This is when I stopped apologizing..or at least cut back. I am not sorry if someone is upset or has a problem with me. That's their problem and I can't fix their problems. I am not sorry that I haven't done more exercising this week. I walked 10 freakin' miles, that's a lot. I'm not sorry if I spoke my mind to someone. It was my right to say what I think.

To me, the only two opinions that matter to me are how God sees me and how I see myself. When I pray at night, I ask God to forgive me. I know He does and since  He does, well..that's  the end of the story, I can forgive myself too and move on.

“I only answer to two people, myself and God." -Cher

That has given me a new resolve to only apologize for things I truly am sorry about and not worry about the things I have no control over. I will tell you it's liberating to give yourself a break in life.

 If you don't agree, I'm Sor..uh, well you know the rest.

You've got to have friends...

When I was asked to be part of the Covenant Health Biggest Winner  Weight Loss Challenge I knew to expect some things:

I knew I would have to work out...that was a given.
I knew I would have to walk on Saturdays..that was expected.
I knew I would have to watch what I ate and log my activity..that was a no-brainer.

What I did not expect was that I would come to know and adore each and every member of my team mates...that was an unexpected but very welcome surprise on this journey and I have been truly blessed by each of them.

 
 On Saturday we were to "go it alone" and decided to walk from Cherokee Blvd and then the last half of the half marathon. My walking buddies were Darla, her friend (oh phooey, I can't remember her name) and their dogs, and also Mel and Amanda.  This day also just happens to be my birthday and Amanda made me some delicious  low-fat blueberry muffins (with real blueberries no less). She and I met at Neyland and drove over to the church at Cherokee Boulevard. We parked our cars, waited for the others and then off we went.

This was my second time walking Cherokee Boulevard and I have to say it's as long as I remembered...but we walked to the end of that road and then up the dreaded Noelton Hill, then on the 3rd creek greenway...down to Tyson Park...up the Cumberland Strip, up around Fort Sanders back by World's Fair Park and then mercifully, to Neyland Stadium. In all we covered 10.36 miles.

I'll admit that I struggled with the final miles of this particular walk. My feet and I are not on good terms still today on Sunday.

 That same evening, my team mates and I had dinner to celebrate my birthday. It was fun being together outside a gym and with our feet up, so to speak.

Each of us are unique and different but as Darla says "We're so freakin' cool" :) (Darla makes me feel like a rock star).  

Our walks have become "Therapy" sessions that I personally look forward to. Trust me, you get to know someone after walking 30 to 40 miles with them. I have also come to know and love Edee. She is such an inspiration to me..plus, she's "So Freakin' Cool".   On Saturday, she hand cycled up Noelton Hill and made it to the top with no problems.


This past Thursday we met at Fort Sanders Fitness Center to train with trainer and Life Coach Chris O'Hearn. We did some new routines and some old ones and this time, we had to do them about a minute longer. Since time management is my business, I can tell you that I felt each and every second and was about to cry "Uncle" after our first go-around. By the half-way point, I literally couldn't use my arms (there were no "high fives" for this girl).

The last half of the hour we spent walking around the track with the last person rushing to become the first and we could be heard laughing all over the building.

And that's just what all of this it has been: Weeks of working out, walking (or running) and lots and lots of laughter. Each of these folks have become a bright addition to my life and I am grateful to God that I have been able to know them.

As for the future..it's kind of bittersweet. I know that the Half-Marathon will be over on April 1. Most of us have agreed to keep meeting on Saturdays to keep walking. I hope we can keep meeting because these folks have become like family. They say you can learn a lot about someone by walking a mile in their shoes. Well, I've walked upwards of 30 miles with these folks and have enjoyed every step of the way.

You can become our friends on our Facebook page.

"The Greatest Love of All"

 The death of Whitney Houston has shocked and saddened many in America, myself included. I'm old enough to remember her coming onto the music scene and while her pop songs weren't the particular style of music that I am personally a fan of, I truly thought she was one of the most beautiful and talented singers I had ever seen or heard. Time will tell us how she died, tabloids will tell us how she lived but history will prove how great of an artist she was. No one will ever sing the Star Spangled Banner better. Ever.

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well
And let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty
They possess inside
Give them a sense of pride
To make it easier
Let the children's laughter
Remind us how we used to be
(Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All")

So it's been a crazy week or so in our training for the Covenant Health Knoxville Marathon. Crazy in that we haven't really trained much together. I miss my group.
  My week-long up-and-down adventure actually began on February 4 at The Knoxville Zoo where we helped Coach Missy kick off the Covenant Kids Run. One of the main responsibilities of being a part of the Biggest Winner team is that we are to be "Ambassadors of health & fitness" to the community where we live. To be honest, I kind of chuckle to myself when I say or type this...not that I don't believe in the idea, I just can't really imagine that I would be an Ambassador of Health  to anyone. Let's face it,  you don't look at me and think 'Gosh, she's so healthy' ..it's probably more of 'Gosh, she has a healthy appetite'.

 So there we were at the Zoo to help the kids begin a 2 month journey of eating right/exercising (The kids will log their activities over the next few months to equal 25 miles and on March 31, they will run their last mile and end, like we will on April 1,  on Neyland Stadium)

 I have to admit that this was probably the most fun I've had in a long time. First-we were at The Knoxville Zoo, one of my favorite places in Knoxville. Second, we were all together which was fun and third, we were cheering on these adorable kids who were running as hard as they could up a big hill towards the finish line. We all nearly lost our voices cheering them on and burned a lot of calories moving our arms clapping. I really don't know who had more fun--the kids..the parents or my team. 

 

Since I had to work that Saturday evening, I knew I'd have to eventually "Pay the Piper" and walk 7.5 miles (man, I can't believe I'm walking 7.5 miles). Amanda and I decided to spend part of our Super Bowl Sunday walking the first part of the half-marathon. I am the type of person who needs to know what I'm going to face before I face it so this was a nice way to ease into the half-marathon. 

We were fortunate to have Julie..my co-worker, friend and all around great lady, come along with us. Julie has "Wogged" (Half walk/half jog) the 1/2 marathon before. She offered a lot of great insight into race day and also plenty of laughs and encouragement to keep going.

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heart beat away
And the answers are all up to me

Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel, I will feel eternity

(Whitney Houston's "One Moment in Time"

 We met up at the Sunsphere and headed out..just 3 girls,  2 GPS', 2 Fitbits, 3 pedometers, a map, written directions, cell phones and thankfully, water bottles.

 Our course took us from the Sunsphere..up Clinch..left onto a street (Can't remember which one)...through campus, down by Thompson-Boling Arena, onto Neyland Dr.....around Neyland and finally to Kingston Pike.

  This was, by far, one of my favorite walks during our training. First, it was super nice outside...flowers were blooming all over town.

 Second, we were in an area that I am normally either avoiding because of traffic or rushing through to get someone else (minding the speed limit, of course) and I really don't take the time to look around and see how beautiful it is.

 We finally turned down Cherokee Boulevard, which Jules has told me is one of the best parts of the half-marathon route.

 During this and many other walks I have found that I seem to attract a number of dogs that come out and "cheer me on". Most would say they're only barking at me because I irritate them but I choose to believe they're supporters and have created a "Dog Log" in their honor.

I have lived in Knoxville for 10 years and love it here and yet,  I am constantly amazed about how little I actually know about the city. Being on the Covenant Health Knoxville Marathon Biggest Winner Team  has introduced me to areas I would have never found on my own. I have discovered amazing greenways through our training with the Knoxville Track Club. That Sunday was my day to discover Cherokee Boulevard.

 First...it's long. Really long. I honestly thought we'd never get to the end of the street. Second, it's beautiful. Really beautiful. It's nice to see houses that are immaculately kept. There are also great plaques to read along the trail with trees that are planted in honor/memory of someone. This is the one that got us all

Another great thing about this area: Amanda had relatives that live on the road and we were fortunate enough to stop for a much needed "pit stop"  We took this photo around mile 5.

As we walked the trail, Jules kept telling us about race day. I have to admit, it sounded exciting. "People line the streets here," she'd say. "They play music and it's a big party". I look forward to seeing this for myself.

 Jules also talked about one of the downsides...well, actually an upside to the half-marathon: the dreaded Noelton Hill (Cue scary music). I have to admit, I'd heard of the street but had never thought much about it until this moment. She and Amanda talked it up and I have to admit I was nervous.

So here we were at Noelton and about to start heading up this road. 6 months ago, I faced a similar hill out at the lake.

The pictures doesn't do it justice really. It was STRAIGHT UP. I had to stop so many times, I thought I'd just sit down and cry. That Super Bowl Sunday....we started climbing and except for one break to "stretch" we got to the top with no problems. Sure, we were out of breath....but isn't that point?

At the end of Noelton, we all got our gadgets out and calculated it all up and realized we had gone over 9 miles. We all stood there with a lot of "are you sure?" looks on our faces.  Amanda has blogged about her theories of why we went over our mileage, Jules has her theory...I personally don't really want to know or care to because I had a blast with those girls and would have probably kept walking and enjoying the day.

 By the way..Julie has a great blog she does as well..check it out here.

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled, but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength
(Whitney Houston's "I didn't know my own strength")

I wish I could have kept this emotional high a bit longer. It's been a stressful week for me and I haven't done as much exercising/eating right as I should. My team has been really supportive of me and has kept encouraging me.  One put it best...that really all of this is like a marathon...it's not a sprint. We're making changes over time. It's nice to have encouragement. All of us on the team have different stories that make us unique. We each l bring in different ideas, perspectives and outlooks on this journey we're taking together. We've got a great group of people.

 So, thanks to their encouragement, I'm setting out and resolving once again to do better this week.  I may stumble but I will pick myself up, dust myself off and try again.

I´m every woman
It´s all in me
Anything you want done baby
I do it naturally

(Whitney Houston's "I'm every woman")

  But there are fun stories to share. Like the fact that I'm going to do the YMCA's 2-hour Zumbathon on February 19 with a co-worker.   My co-worker is a Jazzerciser who goes to classes several times a week. I like Zumba, which is a "cousin" of the exercise. She's never Zumba'd and I've never Jazzercised. I can pretty much tell who will fare  better on the 19th but I know we'll both have the same amount of fun!

 This past Saturday, most of my teammates were taking part in the Knoxville Track Club's Strawberry Plains half-marathon and 10k. Since I had to work Saturday evening, I chose to walk with Amanda and Beth who works at Covenant. This was, by far, the coldest mornings we've had to walk in. We chose to go back to my favorite greenways in Knoxville, the one near Walker Springs.

   Since we walked more than 9 miles last Sunday, we were advised to just walk between 7.5 to 8  this time around. We walked from the West Hills YMCA all the way to Lowe's/Wynnsong Theater on N. Peters and then turned and walked back to Wal-Mart and then around an apartment complex and then back to Wynnsong and then around the movie theatre. In all, we walked just over 7.5 miles and it was really cold (we walked towards the wind not away from it) all three of us were sniffing, and shivering  still, we warmed up pretty quickly (silly me for wearing that coat). It was nice to get to know Beth  and to see this trail that I promise to come back to..in the spring.

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

(Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All")

  So one of the best parts of being on this Biggest Winner team is that I am receiving so much encouragement from friends. It's also so exciting to know that the team is also helping inspire others. I can't tell you how many folks have emailed me, texted me, posted on my FB wall or called to tell me that they are going walking or running, they've joined a gym or taken an exercise class. I read them with great pride in them..and us.

can't speak on the team's behalf but my whole mission in doing this is to inspire others to do something..anything...to believe in themselves and work towards living a healthier life.
I want others to see me and realize that I can do it..so can they.  Being this active has flipped a switch on in my head about the importance of exercising. It's really something that we all can (and should) do. I've found (and so have my friends/co-workers) that I am really grumpy if I don't get out and move. The weather outside should not affect your mood on the inside. Layer up and get outside and get moving.

(Side note: The Knoxville Track Club will kick off a new Knox Walks program for area walkers to gather (just as our running friends to) the kick off is March 3 at Calhouns and folks can train for an event in May. It sounds super fun and I encourage you to read more by clicking here).

Thank you for your kind words, your encouragement and your love and support.

"Lady in Red"

On the first Friday of each February, many people wear red as a way to show support of fighting heart disease in women. I couldn't think of any better day than today to share my own story of a red dress. For more information on how to Go Red For Women click here.

 Of all the clothes in my over-crowded closet it is, without a doubt, the oldest article of clothing...a simple red dress from the early 1990's. There's really no way to properly describe how out of date this size 14 red dress is. This dress is just old and sad looking and full of countless 90's era fashion mistakes including: Shoulder pads (shudder), big huge white collar (double shudder), gold and pearl-like buttons (I know, stop you're killing me). I couldn't even begin to tell you the fabric it's actually made of.

I know you must be thinking, 'this dress couldn't be that bad'? Oh, really? Well here.....maybe a picture would help you visualize (but please don't say I never warned you).

 Are you still with me? Told you it was bad. Still this wrinkled, red monstrosity of a dress has resided in closets all the way from Johnson City to Knoxville...back to Johnson City and then to Asheville and finally here in Knoxville..again. I've been asked countless times to get rid of this dress (even though no one would ever want it) by relatives. But try as they might to convince me to get rid of this dress there is one simple truth about it: You would have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands for me to do that. Despite it's many shortcomings- it's a style that  fashion has forgotten, a size that is too little for me currently and it will probably never fully be free of wrinkles, this red dress was one of the last things my mother ever bought for me on what would be one of our last shopping trips together.


 My mother was a beautiful, funny, incredibly smart woman who was strong, strong-willed and self-sufficient. Because she had been a single mother, there is nothing she couldn't do or hadn't tried and if she couldn't do something, she darn sure found a way to get it done.  I have personally witnessed her standing up to everyone from a politician to a truck driver to a state-employee with so much confidence that you'd swear she was going to be the next President and yet, I would also see her be sensitive enough to rush to the aid of any of her girlfriends who needed it.  She could be my fiercest ally one minute and my worst enemy the next. We had a classic mother-daughter relationship.

I was in college at the time we bought this red dress and at the time, it was show-room new. I had just received an internship that would require me to do some on-camera reporting. My mother, upon hearing this news, looked at my college appropriate clothing of a sweatshirt with holes and jeans with even more holes and said ,"You'll want to get something presentable to wear" so off we went to the Johnson City Mall to try on clothes.

I hated trying on clothes with my mother because she was the type who, despite being legally blind, could see almost every imperfection the clothing brought out in you and then broadcast it loudly enough for all of the women in the dressing room to hear.

 I don't know how we came across this red dress but somehow we did and when I walked out of the dressing room and over to where mom was sitting, she looked me over and smiled and said "That's it". 

 Neither of us had any way of  knowing this at the time but it turns out this would be the first and last time my mom would see me in this dress. Not long after we bought it, she lost her eyesight completely.

 After that, things went down hill....fast.  The illness she had fought her entire life ultimately was too much for her to beat.

  The death of my mother was hands down, the most defining moment in my entire life and something I still struggle with almost 14 years later.

  My mother herself had battled a weight problem once and it was always something she and I fought over constantly. I lived with relatives while she was at a school for the blind and gained a considerable amount of weight. When I went to live with her again in a new town, during my teens,  the topic of my weight was like pouring gasoline on a fire.

  During her last years alive, my mother was in and out of the hospital countless times. During one stay, she came out of a somewhat comatose state and suddenly it was like she was her old self again. If you've ever seen the movie "Awakenings", you would get the idea of what it was like. Though she couldn't see any of us, she had the mental clarity and communication skills enough to talk (for the first time in months...maybe even years) to myself, my step-father, the doctors and nurses like nothing had ever happened. Thrilled, I was calling all of her friends from church and rushing to get one of her best friends (who also had a vision problem) to bring her to the hospital to witness for herself this amazing turn of events.   We all crowded into her tiny room as she talked to each of us as if she had just only left the room for a minute and hadn't been in a bed ridden, overly medicated state.  We laughed at her jokes again, we told her how we had been doing. I truly believed it was a miracle from God.

 I told my mother I had to leave and to keep up the good work and I left the room to take her friend home but something told me that I should go back for one last time. My mother, who couldn't see and thought I had left, was talking with her friends about weight (which is what women do) and she said "I wish Lee Ann could lose some weight".  I played it off with my traditional eye roll and grin because I was still on an emotional high from seeing her back to her old self.   I  took my mom's friend home and came back to the hospital only to find my mom back in her original state, unable to communicate and screaming in pain. She would never come back to us like this again. The miracle from God now seemed like a  cruel joke.
 Up until these past few months, it bothered me that the last sentence I heard my mother say was about my weight. Today, I see it as a rallying cry to do better.

 I've thought a lot of my mother during this whole process of being on the Covenant Health Biggest Winner weight loss challenge. I don't know what she would say to me sharing this story with everyone, I hope she wouldn't mind. I'll really never know..but I do know that she'd be thrilled  that I was taking steps to finally get control over my weight and to hopefully live a healthy life for the first time ever.

 Knowing her, she'd say something funny like "I don't want to drive 13.1 miles...much less walk it".

 Oh and the dress...how could I forget it? If you're wondering if this story is to set up a statement like "I'm going to wear the dress again" here's your answer: Heck yeah it is! I AM going to wear that dress again and I'm going to twirl and laugh and take lots of pictures. I just won't wear it out in public.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me"

Philippians 4:13